Is the Tesla Diner rigging reviews?
For the past week the most talked about restaurant opening in Southern California, possibly even the world, has been the Tesla Diner: a futuristic-themed eatery and charging station that opened, to much fanfare, in the heart of Hollywood.
So, what does the future look like according to Elon Musk? Well, honestly, quite similar to the past.
The restaurant features rollerskating waiters and waitresses (just like Sonic drive-thrus), two drive-in movie theater screens (just like the 1950s), a massive parking lot for up to 80 electric vehicles to charge simultaneously, and a humanoid robot that slowly dispenses popcorn (when it’s actually working).
And the food? Well, far from gastronomic inventions crafted by some of the great culinary minds, the menu is much closer to a current fast food joint, boasting burgers, hot dogs, fries, “Epic Bacon,” “wagyu beef chili,” and, for some horrifying reason, chicken and waffles with mayonnaise.
Yelp and the alleged blackmail business model
For years, the way in which Yelp operates has been an open secret in the restaurant business.
A Yelp representative will reach out and offer advertising packages. If you play ball you’re likely to see the reviews for your business get moderated and selectively deleted depending on if they “violate Yelp terms and services.”
However, if you don’t pay for an advertising package, it can be difficult, if not impossible, to have obscene, silly, or fraudulent reviews removed.
It’s clear that Elon Musk and his team have decided to pay well for a large advertising package.
A day after opening, the Tesla Diner had nearly 40 reviews, many of them from real individuals who had visited on opening night to see what the hype was about, and a few from people who, to put it plainly, hate Elon Musk.
The rating after these 39 reviews was a measly 3.2.
A day later, 23 of those reviews had disappeared and the diner’s rating had jumped to 4.4. Currently, despite being one of the most sought after meal experiences in the world, the Tesla Diner has only been reviewed 14 times, with only one single one-star review remaining.
When a user goes to the Tesla Diner Yelp page they’re met with a warning that “this business recently received increased public attention, which often means people come to this page to post their views on the news.
“While we don’t take a stand one way or the other when it comes to this incident, we’ve temporarily disabled the posting of content to this page as we work to investigate whether the content you see here reflects actual consumer experiences rather than the recent events.”
Looks like if anyone wants to leave an honest review about how they feel about Elon’s new venture, at least on Yelp, they’re out of luck.
Read more: No, Tesla did not buy more bitcoin last quarter
Alternative reviewing methods
Thankfully, the internet is full of other ways in which to leave a restaurant review these days. InsideEVs did a YouTube video calling the experience a “disaster,” while Miles Klee at Rolling Stone labeled it the “Cybertruck of restaurants.”
Others have discussed how the “open 24/7” claim is a bit of a misnomer, with parts of the restaurant closing after 11pm and many menu items being unavailable after the lunchtime rush.
Even many Elon and Tesla fanboys have resorted to talking about the chrome plating, spacey bathroom, and sci-fi TV shows and movies playing on the big screens instead of, ya know, the food.
Meanwhile, as usual, Elon is suggesting that protestors in front of the restaurant are paid for by some vague, anonymous funder (hint: he always thinks it’s George Soros and Reid Hoffmann).
Read more: Company that fried Red Lobster put shrimp on the blockchain
The cheap and easy route
There are, of course, numerous high end restaurants owned by celebrities.
Tony Shalhoub, of Monk fame, is an investor in Rezdôra, a three-Michelin-star restaurant in New York City, Moby, the DJ and musician, owns Little Pine, a high-end vegan restaurant in Los Angeles, and Nobu, the world famous sushi restaurant, is co-owned by Robert DeNiro.
Meanwhile, there’s no shortage of chain restaurants owned or controlled by celebrities and hyper wealthy folks: Shaq owns numerous Five Guys, Danny Trejo has opened four different Trejo’s Tacos and Trejo’s Donuts, and Dave’s Hot Chicken has celebrity investors that include Drake, Samuel L. Jackson, and Maria Shriver.
If Elon Musk wanted to seek help on his venture it’s obvious he could have sought out any one of these individuals or any high-end chef he wanted.
Instead, he chose Eric Greenspan, a chef with a failed grilled cheese venture and other poorly reviewed eateries, who now runs a cheese company.
Interestingly, Jeremy Stoppelman, the 47-year-old CEO and co-founder of Yelp, worked with Musk at X dot com before it became PayPal. He then became VP of engineering for PayPal once Peter Thiel took control and is considered a member of the so-called “PayPal Mafia.”
This doesn’t speak highly to what one should expect going into the hyper-futuristic, incredibly epic Tesla Diner, but don’t take my word for it: even positive Yelp reviewers have taken photos that resemble a mix of puke in a tortilla to sad smash burgers sitting on too much wilted lettuce.
If the Tesla Diner is the future, the future will be one of lazily crafted food, too many cars, temperamental robots, and billionaire CEOs who can pay to have bad reviews scrubbed from the universe.
Welcome to hell, it starts in Hollywood.
Got a tip? Send us an email securely via Protos Leaks. For more informed news, follow us on X, Bluesky, and Google News, or subscribe to our YouTube channel.